Sep. 06, 2006 - Issue #568: Sex in the City
Painting yourself into a corner never felt so good
“What’s this?” she asked.
I topped up my glass of Dr McGillicuddy’s French Kiss ($24.49) before I answered. The label claimed that “one kiss is all it takes.” I should have put the creamy vanilla liqueur away then and there.
Instead, I took a sip and let the smooth liqueur slide down my throat before I reached for the foam-tipped brush and dipped it into the body paint. Without a word, I drew a small heart on her arm, then sat back and admired my work. Amy gave her boyfriend a wink before she began to slowly lick it off. “This is like syrup,” she said. “It tastes like Nestlé Quik”.
My neighbour Katie peered over the back of my couch. “What else have you got?” she asked. She held out a handful of coloured plastic tubes for everyone to see. “Good Head?” she offered.
She had found some of my Doc Johnson Good Head Oral Delight Gel, mint and cinnamon flavours ($0.95 per 7.4 ml sample). On the tongue, it is meant to enhance oral sensation. Katie tore open the cinnamon and tried it. “Not bad,” she said, passing it to Matt who shook his head with feigned disgust.
I also had a couple of O’My Flavoured Lubes, blueberry cheesecake and piña colada ($0.95 per 6 ml sample). Made with hemp seed oil, I particularly liked them because they are sugar-free and made with all-natural flavours.
Matt was still inspecting the lubes suspiciously. “You really use these?” he asked. I told him that not only do I use them, I wouldn’t be without them on hand (pardon the pun). Of the four flavoured lubes we tried, the girls all agreed they liked the piña colada best.
Rob and Amy went back to painting each other with chocolate, engrossed in their artistic expression. Since everyone knew where my stash was, I decided to come clean. I pulled out some Doc Johnson Body Butter, peaches and cream flavour ($7.95), a body cream with skin-softening moisturizers. Although this adult novelty is not available to those under the age of 18, it is excellent on dry feet as well as an all-over edible body butter.
Katie tried it first. She spread a generous glob onto Matt’s chest, then leaned in and slowly began running her tongue over it. She spread and licked it at the same time. Matt let out a contented sigh, but Katie made a twisted face and stopped. “Yuck,” she said. “This tastes awful. Is this really supposed to be edible?”
Amy reached for my Tickle’n Taste Body Dust, watermelon flavour ($9.95). It comes with a feather for spreading the powder before devouring it. She tentatively dipped the feather and splashed powder all over her taut, exposed stomach. Rob was quick to try it out.
I glanced at my own boyfriend, who was grinning from ear to ear. He’d seen all these edibles before, but never like this. I gave him a nod and he poured shots from a bottle of Bartender’s Hot Sex: a mix of Canton ginger liqueur, vodka and dairy cream ($16.49). Fortified with chocolate and ginseng, this sultry drink went down effortlessly.
While he did that, I opened a jar of Nipple Nibblers, wild razzleberry flavour ($12.95). I rubbed a small amount on each of his nipples, then on my lips as well. The tingling sensation of this arousal balm is meant to excite both you and your partner, and it really works. My boyfriend’s eyes closed as I rolled my tongue on him.
I handed Matt and Katie a bag of strawberry-flavoured XXX Porno Popping Climax Candy ($3.95). These pop rocks stimulate during oral sex, but are great for kissing as well. Before I knew it, we were passing them from tongue to tongue and trying to keep from laughing.
Rob, his lips still covered in body dust, begged Amy to try on the edible Candy Bra ($17.95) he had discovered. A new twist on the candy necklace, this bra has 40 calories for every 30 candies, or 1200 calories if you eat your way through the whole bra. Amy turned away and slipped off her top, exchanging it with some difficulty for the candy bikini top. Rob’s eyes lit up: he was clearly ready to go home.
Finally, I pulled out a pair of classic Edible Undies, strawberry with chocolate ($7.95). They claim that the more you lick, the better they taste. Rob and Amy stood up to go, slipping the chocolate paint into Amy’s purse as they found their shoes. Katie and Matt didn’t even try to hide the climax candy as they walked out.
I slid off my shorts and carefully pulled the glorified fruit roll-up over my thighs. Available for men or women, these undies claim not to be “not animal tested” (which makes you think, doesn’t it?). James reached for the jar of Nipple Nibblers and slid next to me with a grin.
Why not arrange a taste test of your own?
Names and some details have been changed to protect the horny. V
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