Jan. 30, 2013 - Issue #902: Come cry with Daniel Romano
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
"Listen, Intern #78, a buddy of mine, his world-wide-wundermunchkin of a son works at Google Doodles and said the 200th anniversary of the Grimm Brothers is comin' up. So whatta we got in the fuckin' fairy-tale-script slush pile? Somethin' with a colon in it—the more colons, the better. Gimme more god damn colons than at a proctologists' convention!"
"Um, well, lessee ... there's Pied Piper: Pest Controller. Reality-TV spin—-"
"Next."
"Cinderella: Ball Buster."
"Sounds feminist. Next!"
"Frog Prince of Darkness versus The Elves and the Shoemaker? Mini-XXX: The Rumpelstiltskin Flick? Just Right 2: Goldilocks versus Rapunzel? ... Wait! Here's one we could give an ampersand, plus it's got a colon—Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters."
"Now we're talkin'! Keepin' it simple. They grow up and hunt witches."
"Yep."
"We could use the sets left over from Red Riding Hood, add a candy house, throw in some of those aerial forest shots out of Twilight, keep it cheap. Make some up-and-coming action star Hansel ... "
"That guy who played Hawkeye?"
"Sure. So let's have 'em shoot crossbows, but give bro & sis some ammo, too—"
"But isn't it the middle-ish ages or something?"
"So what? Steampunk it up! Machine guns and—and—a wind-up taser thingy! Yeah! And have 'em wear leather, 'specially her. Make 'er sexy. Lotsa cleavage."
"A Bond girl?"
"Right! But he does most of the hard-starin' and killin' and shit."
"What's our rating?"
"14A, y'know, plenty gore and splatter, some swearin'—give 'em a few tough-talk zingers like, 'Don't eat the fuckin' candy' and, 'You gotta be fuckin' kidding me!'—but there's also gotta be lots of ugly-lookin' bitch—I mean witches. Then one nice witch who gives some gratuitous nudity. She's gotta die, though. And don't forget the troll named Edward. He gets taser-fibrillated back to life."
"Huh? Is this comic, or comic book or dark and serious?"
"I dunno. Who cares? Tone, mood, arcs, depth ... where d'ya think y'are, kid, at some Mom & Pop indie-film shop here? It's a motion-picture—it's about going through the motions!"
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