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Jul. 04, 2012 - Issue #872: The Beer Issue

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Ted

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Ted, which begins in the '80s but continually scores lower on the script IQ scale, takes an old idea—toy comes alive—and crawls nowhere with it. This Boston-set tale of John Bennett's talking teddy bear is writer-director Seth MacFarlane's pet project, padded out to feature-length, bromance-meets-romance predictability. Listen to stale fart jokes, a kitschy obsession with Flash Gordon, and trite sentiments in clichéd settings. See the celebrities MacFarlane can get for cameos. Look at the bongs/toplessness/cocaine the Family Guy creator can show on the big screen. Hear the straw-piñata targets (Jews, prostitutes, Asians, Muslims, Mexicans, the "retarded") of cheap jokes get whacked by an oh-so-edgy, entitled white guy (via the jaded voice of a stuffed animal). Yawn.

A talky picture whose story beats are so obvious they seem tapped out on a telegraph (man-child must choose between best buddy and girl, but ends up getting both back), Ted is also visually disappointing. Only a fight between John (Mark Wahlberg) and Ted (voiced by MacFarlane) is shot intelligently and offers some dark comedy. John's beau Lori (Mila Kunis) is a character stuffed full of lifelessness even as Ted turns out to be a not entirely care-less bear. But if you want to see a Boston bruin who was truly interesting, watch a documentary about Bobby Orr, not this flat comedy about a slobby bore.

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Ted
Directed by: Seth MacFarlane

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