Aug. 01, 2012 - Issue #876: The Art Of Serving
The Watch
Now playingDirected by Akiva Schaffer
Zero stars
A group-of-guys-meets-alien-invasion comedy so bland and juvenile that it makes some Adam Sandler flicks look adult, The Watch is broken beyond repair. A rusted-out vehicle for Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn and Jonah Hill to drive all the way to the bank, its non-story's brought to you by an American beer company and set in a Costco and its surrounding non-community of super-white and boring Ohioans. When not shooting off guns, the guys in the "Neighbourhood Watch" talk about shooting off their other guns—there are so many non-jokes about cum and dicks that, it turns out, even their alien foes' "Achilles heel is their dicks!" Oh, and did I mention the condom company that pops up every half-hour?
The movie's got no clue how to blend gruesome, eviscerating aliens with its attempts at laughter. It actually endorses its posse of puerile nobodies as noble, ass-kicking Americans. Saddest of all, Richard Ayaode (director of the fantastic coming-of-age film Submarine) shows up as the English member of the unfabulous four ... which involves him talking about balls and dicks in an English accent. There's so little thought, humour and imagination in this film, though, that the writers' heads must have been up another orifice.
NO STARS The Watch
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