In The Box

By Dave Young and TB Player

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The Oilers are back home from the road, and thanks to a 4-3 road trip, the only thing stinking up the dressing rooms is the remnants of the rodeo. Since your last issue of Vue Weekly, the Oilers have beaten Columbus 3-1, lost to Chicago 3-1 and beaten Colorado 5-2. This game update is brought to you by the letter C.

TB: Whoo! One game over .500! Actually, this last week we were an eye-popping .667! And with the young goalie Mike Morrison in net, they’re 1.000! Stats are fun.

Dave: Yes they are, TB. In fact, I discovered a very intriguing stat late last week after some thorough and painstaking research. Did you know that after all four of Gwen Stefani’s shows in NHL buildings this season (in Phoenix, San Jose, New York and Philly) the home team has won its next game in the same arena? And all of those games were settled in overtime or by shootout? Stefani plays here Friday and the Oilers play host to the Chicago Blackhawks the next night, so based on this, I’m calling an Oiler win in OT or after a shootout. As well, the game is on Hockey Night in Canada, and the only other HNIC game in Edmonton featured an Oilers shootout win over the Canucks. Thanks to the “Gwen Stefani Effect,” I have No Doubt about my bold prediction.

TB: Oooh, clever. Well, “Underneath It All,” we’ll know by “Sunday Morning,” so “Don’t Speak” of it until then. Anyhow, I noticed the Oilers are auctioning off all the banners from Rexall Place. They’re old and deteriorating, and they wanna spruce things up a bit. Did I mention that they’re old? As in they haven’t gotten any new ones in a while? Ahh, the ‘90s... they started with such hope. At any rate, they should be able to raise quite a chunk o’ cash from the auction. I wonder how much that 1984 Stanley Cup banner would be worth? It would make one hell of a pillowcase.

Dave: I’m glad I’m pretty much broke or I would be tempted to crack open the piggy bank and buy one myself, but I’m guessing $127.56 wouldn’t get me a banner. Which is too bad, because on Halloween I could drape myself in one and dress up as the Incredible Hulk himself, David Banner.

TB: I mentioned that I hate you, right? And speaking of hate, I’m thinking Ty Conklin was hating the Mike Morrison show against Colorado. Stopping 31 shots against one of the league’s best offences doesn’t help Conklin’s way back into the Oiler lineup. Well, that aside, it’s Vue Weekly’s Sex, Lust & Love issue, so in the spirit of this we may as well go on the record as to our take on the sexiest Oilers—but in a totally professional and non-homoerotic sort of way.

Dave: Oh, of course. You and I, being the ’90s-type guys we are, can tell the difference between a stud and a dud, right? Since Sidney Crosby got so much attention with his shirtless pose in GQ early this season, why not objectify the Oilers just as much? Give us your picks, TB.

TB: Well, new arrival Mike Peca has got that “shaving without really shaving” thing down to a tee. The ladies like that, right?

Dave: I suppose the “degenerate chic” thing has some value. That plumber guy on Desperate Housewives has that same look, so I guess it hasn’t died yet. Who’s our next Top Model, TB? Or should I say Tyra Banks?

TB: Jussi Markkanen and Jani Rita have that clean-cut Scandinavian deal going on, although lately Rita has been cultivating a rather shaggy mane. Sort of a Viking look, but in a soft, non-threatening way. I have to say, though, my personal favourite is a certain #3 from a certain local women’s hockey team.

Dave: Sucking up, are you? We try the “Queer Eye” angle and the “Straight Guy” has to get in his brownie points, eh? Well, I’ll see your Finnish duo and raise you Ales Hemsky and Marty Reasoner. They both look too precious to play hockey, little cuties. But the bad boys always win over the pretty boys, don’t they? Have you seen the fire in Jason Smith’s eyes during a game? Grrrrowwwl.

TB: Well, if sex sells, can someone get coach Craig MacTavish to lose the tinted glasses he’s been wearing behind the bench this year? What is he, a creepy nightclub guy, or someone’s grandma? V

In The Box

By Dave Young and TB Player

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