Queermonton

It's Lesbian Sex 101 with Professor Tam and friends

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I didn’t know what to write about for Vue’s annual Sex, Lust and Love issue, so I put out a call for queer sex queries. I’m definitely no expert in sex, but I do, uh, research quite well. Here, then, are some questions posed by my friends on the topic of non-straight sex, and my best attempts at answering them.

“How do lesbians have sex?”

There’s a reason people ask this so often—they hope for an exciting, magic answer. The topic came up for me in grade 9 when I asked a group in my science class “Okay, how do lesbians have sex?” and the answers came quickly “Fingers!” “Tongues!” “Candy kisses!” “Candy kisses?” “It’s this thing where you put skittles in-” “Never mind!” and soon it all made sense (well, except for the candy thing). Lesbian sex isn’t mysterious— it’s like any other kind of sex, only limited by what you and your partner(s) can think up and agree upon.

The basics though, because there are some, include mutual masturbation, for starters. I’ve never found the technical term particularly accurate: at least to me, masturbation is something you do on your own, sometimes with someone else, but it’s not something that another person can do to you—if anyone’s fingers are all up in or on you, that ain’t masturbation.

Less ambiguous is cunnilingus. Oral sex has a lot of fun names: eating out, muff diving, carpet munching and going down. Whatever you call it, this act refers to stimulation of genitalia with the mouth. (Incidentally, I was recently introduced to the word anilingus which, not surprisingly, refers to stimulation of a partner’s bum—you know, rimming.)

Then there are toys. Any device designed to stimulate sexual pleasure can be considered a sex toy. Some things you might find in a lesbian’s treasure box or sock drawer are vibrators, nipple clamps, dildos, strap-ons and a few thousand other possibilities. There’s a common assumption that a strap-on—a phallus attached to a harness then worn usually on the crotch and used to penetrate a partner—is vital in the sex life of all lesbians and while many girls enjoy using them, many don’t.

Girls who get with girls also get into tribadism. Sometimes known as scissoring, tribbing is when a women rubs her vulva against her partner. This can be through direct genital-to-genital contact or between one person’s genitals and various body parts of their partner. Both the Scissor Sisters and Tribe 8 are bands named after this sex act.
Frottage is similar to tribadism, but can be done clothed and does not have to include direct genital stimulation. Gay or straight, most people engage in some form of this during foreplay. More common terms include dry humping and grinding.

It’s important to remember that a happy and healthy relationship can involve all or none of these things; the possibilities are endless. Discuss boundaries with your partner, what they enjoy and what constitutes sex for them. Protecting yourself, safe sex and frequent check-ups are just as important for lesbians as they are for everybody else.

“I hear that lesbian sex is not always sweet and tender, that most of the time it's rough and aggressive.”

Lesbian sex isn’t anything “most of the time.” The only thing it has in common is multiple vaginas and a few pairs of titties. Like all sexual acts and expressions of intimacy, each is unique. Sometimes it’s aggressive, sometimes it’s tender. Most couples tend to fluctuate between both. It’s also important to remember that sex can be sweet and aggressive or tender and rough or anything in between.

“I wouldn't know what to do if I had the chance to sleep with a girl. Do I re-enact a porn video?”

Short answer? No! Dear god, no! “Lesbians” in mainstream porn are about the worst people you could ever learn from. As with all pornography, the sex being had on-screen is very unlike what occurs in most people’s bedrooms, as the acts have been altered to show up better on film. Real girls don’t usually have sex without kissing, go down on each other from a foot away, enjoy fellating dildos, have boobs you could float to Hawaii on or have those long nails. Oh man, those nails…

There are other places to turn. Some conventional movies have included decent love scenes. Admittedly, in most cases it’s usually all soft touching of thighs and a slowly panning camera, but some exist. For research, my girlfriend and I sat down last night to watch the sex scenes in all the lesbian movies I own. The love scenes in Better Than Chocolate are pretty realistic, but my all, time favourite is Bound: the second love scene is the most realistic display of sex between two girls I’ve seen on screen. Saving Face, Loving Annabelle and If These Walls Could Talk 2 don’t show much sex but do a better job of all that pre-sex groping, furtive and impassioned instead of lamely tame.
There are a lot of lesbian sex guides out there but the technical descriptions aren’t particularly helpful in the real world. Erotic stories or non-erotica with detailed sex scenes can teach a lot, but it’s possible for writing to be burdened by the same problems as porn movies: more salacious than realistic. My suggestion is finding stories written by actual lesbians; someone I know learnt all their technique from online fan-fiction. Keep in mind that, as lesbians, we’re lucky—we already have an idea of what feels good. When in doubt, masturbate!

“One word: scissoring. Us straight girls are lost—at least this one is.”

Well I do love rescuing straight girls. As I briefly covered earlier, scissoring refers to a specific position while performing tribadism. Still confused? Form a V with your index and middle fingers on both hands. Lock both Vs together at the base of your fingers. Pretend the fingers are legs and where they meet is a vagina. Now flail them about. Get it now? V

Queermonton

It's Lesbian Sex 101 with Professor Tam and friends

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