Queermonton - Coming out 101

Part one of a guide to the process of outing yourself to family and friends

| Commenting on this story is closed.

I was pretty lucky to get to end my summer by supervising the Pride Centre’s very first Queer Youth Camp-out. There’s nothing quite like spending a few days with young members of the LGBTQ community—every time I talk to them I’m reminded of the amazing talents and resiliency they possess.

The trip got me to thinking about the coming-out process. All the kids had been through it, from coming out to themselves to coming out to family and friends. They had their varying successes, from rejection to complete acceptance. Coming out is such a dreaded task, with pitfalls and worries at every turn. I’ve had so many discussions with young people about how and when to make their declarations, which is why I figured I’d take a stab at my own little guide to outing yourself.

I hadn’t meant to make this a two-parter but, boy, are there a lot of things to discuss when it comes to the coming out journey, so many tricky areas and possible mistakes to make, so many categories of your life requiring different approaches. I wrote this as advice for coming out as queer but it applies to gender identity as well, just expect even more questions and possible confusion from loved ones.

The first step is recognizing your own identity and accepting it. It can be shocking to finally come out to most important person in your life—yourself. For some people this part of the process can take a long time, even years. That’s okay: there’s no rush in self-identification.

There are a ton of benefits to coming out. You can finally be honest about all aspects of your life with the people that matter. Your self-esteem and personal integrity is likely to improve by leaps and bounds. Best of all, you don’t have to worry about who knows what about you anymore. It’s like a weight lifting from your shoulders.

It’s important to make sure you’re ready to come out. Are you financially or otherwise dependent on family members? If the worst came to pass, would you have a place to live? Are you comfortable enough with yourself to let their possible rejection not damage your feelings of self-worth? Do you have friends or a support group available? Are you sure enough of your own identity to answer all the questions your loved ones might have?

Now that school has started, the coming out starts rolling in. First-years have a tendency to finally feel enough freedom to come out. Both the U of A and Grant MacEwan have queer groups and many high schools in Edmonton have GSAs (Gay-Straight Alliances). School counsellors or a supportive teacher are also a great resource. If you’re religious, your place of worship may offer support depending on their views.

The Pride Centre has a number of support groups for every kind of person, and they’re a perfect way to get ready for your own journey. Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) is an international organization with chapters across North America, including Edmonton. They’re fantastic for family members who are struggling with acceptance and they offer a lot of resources.

Once you’ve self-identified and are ready to come out, start with the people that you think will react best. It’ll be important to have this support network of people who are supportive when it comes time to tell the ones who might not respond as well.

Your friends are likely to be okay with it—they like you, they care about you and they’ve picked you to be in their lives. Some of them might be uncomfortable and it can be awkward, but they’ll probably get over it. I had lots of friends who spazzed, but in the end I didn’t lose a single one.

Some people might respond as if you’ve become an entirely different person. It’s important to remind them that your sexual orientation is only a small part of who you are and you’re still the exact same person that they cared for yesterday. And if they just can’t get over it, it’s not your fault—you have a right to be who you are.

Many of the close people in your life, especially parents, will already know to some extent and will be happy to finally have it out in the open. If it really is a surprise, give them time to react. Remember that it took you a long time—probably years—to become okay with your sexual identity, so they’ll need a bit of slack too.

Consider timing. Holidays are a frequent choice when telling family, but often a pretty terrible one. Emotions are already running high and in the event that they don’t handle things well, that day could be forever marred by the fighting that occurred.

It’s great to have books about parenting a gay child on hand, along with pamphlets and information for support groups, but the people you tell may not be ready to digest everything all at once. Give them the material when the time is right and follow up later by asking if they’d like to discuss anything they read with you.

Remind your loved ones that you’re telling them about your sexual orientation because you want an open and honest relationship with them, not to upset them. You might not notice until later just how much distance was put between you and your loved ones while you were lying about aspects of your life. Hopefully if you can work everything out your relationship will be better than it’s ever been.

In the second part in two weeks: how parents are likely to react, dealing with the aftermath, coming out at work, what to do when things go wrong and more. V

Queermonton - Coming out 101

Part one of a guide to the process of outing yourself to family and friends

Most recent comments