Sep. 11, 2007 - Issue #621: Sex in The City 07

Welcome to the jungle, we got fun and games

Get closer to nature (and your partner) with Vue's handy-dandy guide to doin' it outside

There are two types of outdoor sex: planned and unplanned. They both have their advantages and, depending on your perspective, planning or the lack thereof will enhance your experience.

I’ve had it both ways. One memorable experience found us high on mushrooms in a park outside a Provincial Court building. Barely concealed behind a robust bush, it was quick and dirty. We could hear people walking on the paths within ten feet of us—I thought it was part of the fun, but in our post-coital pillow (okay, grass) talk, he claimed he was uncomfortable. I was incredulous! Apparently my jeans were in the way, so was his zipper, and he kept slipping in the dewy grass. In hindsight, it could have been less quick and more or less dirty had we thought about what could make sex outdoors great.

No matter where you are, inconspicuous sex is easier if clothing cooperates. Commando is a must—there is no sense in letting underwear create a barrier. Choose a skirt or dress that day and get him to leave the tight black jeans at home.

Even fully clothed, mosquitoes are a pain in the ass—let alone when you get your goodies out in the open. DEET and sensitive genitalia do not mix, so be careful in your application. Mosquito repellent is available in lotion form (and could become part of the foreplay!); pump-action repellent bottles are reasonably direct-able, but definitely avoid aerosol sprays. Even with careful spraying, a small breeze will push the fine mist everywhere you don’t want it to go.

If you’re backcountry camping, bears can be attracted by moans and grunts, but you may be in the clear if you’re a screamer. If you’re in public—a busy campground or park—the sounds of passion can be annoying for those less lucky than you, if not attention grabbing. Bite something or cover your face if necessary.

Again, in a camping situation, the post-coital mess should not be left in the wild. Do not burn or bury used contraceptives. Unless you want to successfully attract every animal around you, don’t keep them in your tent, either. Put them in double-sealed plastic bags in your trash, keep the trash away from your tent and carry it out when you leave.
Legally speaking, having sex outside is not exactly illegal, but it depends on the circumstance. While punishable under the Criminal Code of Canada, nudity and “indecent acts” are somewhat open to interpretation. If you’re blatantly having sex on a park bench, an opportune officer can charge you with a variety of infractions—if he or she isn’t too embarrassed or intrigued to interrupt.

With such a large expanse of urban parkland in Edmonton, there is a plethora of parks in which to get it on, inconspicuously or otherwise. A friend told me an eyewitness story: “He was sitting on a park bench in plain view of the walking path. She was sitting on his lap, facing away from him. They had a huge bed sheet wrapped around them. You knew what they were doing, but you couldn’t see enough to be sure.”
If a park bench is a tad too obvious, simply move away from the path. There are thousands of smaller paths branching off each other within the river valley trail system. However, paths are there because people use them. Have your partner walk behind some bushes or trees away from the path, and watch to see if and how much of him or her you can see. Then commence.

Most of the people I discussed outdoor sex with said they were more often caught during the day. If you want to reduce your risk of being seen, go out after 11 pm when city parks are closed. Then only the park patrol may catch you (and they’ve certainly encountered this kind of thing before).

Outdoor sex may not be as cosmic or as comfortable as it looks on television. When choosing where to bed-down, take a moment to investigate what lies below.

I asked an experienced outdoorsman what he considers before pulling out the big gun. “Most native grasses look soft, but are in fact very sharp,” he noted. “And bears often crap on them, making them Mother Nature's Punjii sticks.” Consider yourself warned.

Despite the beach’s romantic reputation, sand gets into absolutely everything. It also rubs and tears skin under friction, especially soft skin soaking in water.

Fallen trees are a great prop. They are often at the perfect height to brace yourself against when bending over. Putting greens are smooth and soft, and the danger of being caught trespassing may be exciting for some. Stairs cause slivers and bruised backs, but handrails offer fantastic support. Again, you’re definitely risking getting caught on a staircase.

Every one knows the Legislature grounds have been around the block. The grass is well kept, there are dense bushes everywhere and the voyeur quotient is high. But what about putting some play into playgrounds? They offer all sorts of enticing opportunities. Do not have sex, however, anywhere near or in a playground during the day. Children will have enough problems dealing with seeing their own parents doing the duty, let alone an unknown double-backed beast in broad daylight.

Tube slides conceal you and put a little spice into the missionary position. Have you ever done it on a swing? There’s a reason why they named “swinging” after them. Heck, even the wobbly bridge may be a good place to lie down, like your own version of the wash machine’s spin cycle. It’s unfortunate there aren’t any trapezes, but the monkey bars may be a good place to practice before purchasing your own.

Finally, you should also consider the weather. Chattering teeth are not conducive to good sex. Scrotums shrivel up quite impressively when it’s cold. Bring a thick blanket, no matter the weather, for concealment and comfort.
The fact that you might be seen is often the most exciting thing about outdoor sex. While your reasons for and locations of sex al fresco are completely up to you, keep these ideas in your goodie bag. You never know what you’re going to get. V

More stories in front »

New comments for this entry have been turned off and any existing ones are hidden. We apologize for any inconvenience.