Well, Well, Well - Stoking the fire

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The friends I’d noticed looking unusually rested after a couple of weeks at the cabin in early September last year—the ones who’d alerted me to an eastern approach to re-energizing depleted Qi and sexual energies—are away again, on the road this time, experiencing the Rockies in a don’t-bother-knockin’ van.

Our desire for intimacy, for skin-on-skin, breath-on-breath closeness, is hard-wired into us, built in for our survival and persistent at every stage of life. Its effects, of course, go far beyond procreation, affecting everything from our art to our health.

But though desire and sexuality are hard-wired and persistent, no pun intended, they’re often fraught with all kinds of difficulty, sometimes becoming more a matter of wanting to want than actually wanting. Sex is, as David Schnarch, author of The Passionate Marriage, says, the crucible of our lives, that place where our lives and relationships and selves are heated, distilled, intensified and tested—all of which demands a certain level of well-being, courage and resilience.

But, despite the obstacles, it’s a fire worth keeping stoked throughout life. Because engaging often and enthusiastically, besides adding a lot of fun to our lives, is just simply good for us. It’s one of life’s little (or not so little) pleasures that won’t leave us hung-over or feeling fat or worried about the state of our arteries or livers, and those of us unafraid of pursuing healthy pleasures and minimizing the unpleasant tend to live better and longer than those more driven and duty-bound.

And in a sweet little positive feedback cycle, the well-known benefits of a robust sex life—effects that include enhanced immune function, reduced risk of heart attack and stroke, oxytocin-induced pain relief and feel-good endorphins—also include increased testosterone production, which in addition to keeping our bones and muscles strong, keeps us going back for more.

But sex, besides returning good health, also requires good health as a prerequisite—good cardiovascular health and healthy energy levels for the physical act, and good psychological, emotional and relational health for positive expression of sexuality with a long-term partner.

There is of course the reality that sustaining anything over time, let alone something as complicated as sexual passion with a long-term partner, comes with obstacles. But with sexual activity clearly linked to significant and measurable physiological and emotional bonuses we have every reason to fight flagging interest.

Flagging interest can be a symptom of everything from exhaustion, depression, boredom, anxiety and resentment to hormone imbalance and less-than-prime cardiovascular health—some of which are easy enough to rectify, others not. It’s not like we can easily and without repercussion leave toxic or exhausting partners or places of work, it’s not like it’s easy to balance kids and work and pleasure, it’s not like antidepressants and other meds don’t come with the potential to further dampen desire, it’s not like we don’t feel a little spent by the time the family has grown and we can retire, and it’s not like Viagra is any kind of solution to problems of desire or limping relational or emotional health.

But address the obstacles we must, if we want to reap the benefits. Addressing our relational limps, staying physically active, getting enough rest, minimizing things that fuel depression, getting enough dietary cholesterol (essential for hormone production) and other nutrient-dense food for prime hormone and energy levels, supplementing and rebalancing those (bio-identically, of course) when they drop too low with time or illness or prolonged stress—whatever it is we need to make us feel sexy and energized and desirable and interested—are all worth the investment.

The shamelessly hedonistic in ways others may resent or condemn actually have it kind of right. Not to minimize the risks of careless hedonism (they’re real, and can be devastating), but pleasure is a worthwhile pursuit at every stage of life, and sexual pleasure, no matter the obstacles, is perhaps the most persistent, rewarding and potent of all. V

Well, Well, Well - Stoking the fire

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