Oct. 26, 2011 - Issue #836: Winter Guide 2011

Squeeze another winter out of your jalopy

Rock 'n' roll mechanic Ted Wright's top four tips for beating the subterranean homesick winter blues

When the Get Down's Ted Wright isn't making a guitar fucking wail, he's making cars fucking work at his day job as a mechanic. If you want your car to make it through another winter—good luck—here's the way you do it:


Bigger is better
I learned this one from my dear ol' Dad: buy the biggest fucking battery that will fit into your tiny Honda/Boogie Van/Obscure Foreign Make's engine bay. Cut away excess metal parts if you must. If your car has a weak or slow starter, doesn't catch after turning over three or four times, or is just plain tired, a good quality, fully charged and maintained battery can mean the difference between having to catch a cab, and, regrettably, making it to work on time. And yes, I am talking to you, you bearded, no-good musician types.
 

Edmonton Block Heater
You actually DO need a block heater. "My car starts in any temperature or weather, even at –30 C, every time!" Bully for you, you must be driving a Mercedes or have indoor parking. If that cord has been dragging on the ground for the last six months, have it tested, and make sure that it still operates. What's that, hippie? You just dragged your groovy patchouli stinking Volkswagen over the mountains from balmy Vancouver, and it doesn't have a block heater? Have no fear: any reputable shop can provide and install several widely-available types of block heater, from the type that heats the coolant, to the less-common one that heats the oil pan. Remember to check your antifreeze condition and strength too. Now get ready for Hell.

Change your oil
Spend the extra 30 bucks one time and put synthetic oil in. No, it's not a government plot—synthetic oil really does perform during winter time the way they show it on TV. This type of oil helps your engine turn over quicker because it stays thinner at lower temperatures and decreases the danger of oil starvation to crucial engine parts, like bearings. If you don't believe me, leave a bottle of regular oil outside overnight some time, and pour it out after a good –25 or so jag. The stuff comes out like molasses. Try blowing that through a straw, and you'll see what your engine puts up with.


Tread on me
If you can afford them, buy winter tires. Again, not a government plot, and not a scare tactic. I was coming home from a weekender of shows ending in Edson a bunch of years back. Our van was equipped with winter tires, but one went flat on the way back. I readily recall having to make a panic stop on the highway, and guess which tire lost traction? Yep, the cheap all-season that was on for the spare. Since then, none of our vehicles have spent a winter without them. Consider this: where are the roads usually the worst in the winter time? In the city, right? Doesn't it make sense to go with a dedicated winter tire? Traction is greatly increased, and therefore the stopping distance between you and the guy with truck nuts on his bumper is decreased. If you cannot afford to purchase winter tires, make sure that your all-season tires have adequate tread life (typically 50 percent or better), and are checked for pressure AT LEAST ONCE A MONTH, and more often in the coldest months. Air shrinks—along with other things—in the cold and before long, your whip is ridin' dirty on 15 psi of air.

 

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