Feb. 08, 2012 - Issue #851: Jon Mick

Married to your beliefs

Couples are changing tradition to reflect personal belief

Getting married isn't the obvious next step it once was. Last year Statistics Canada decided to stop tracking marriage and divorce rates, partially due to funding, but also due to the changing nature of relationships. While marriage continues to play a defining role in economic planning of both society and the individual, it's becoming much less necessary for public and legal declaration of the joining of two people. Today, many couples are taking the time to decide whether the step is even necessary.
"To me the whole thing was to have the family one spot to meet each other and acknowledge that it is a permanent situation," says Brenda Kerber who married her partner of over five years at the age of the 36. Kerber represents a growing trend in Canada where people are getting married later in life. In 2000 the average age of women getting married was 31.7 as opposed to 25.9 in 1980. Couples are treating the decision to get married as more of a capstone after careers and economic priorities are set. Franki Harrogate had never set marriage as a priority in life, but realized that her partner was someone she could accomplish her goals with. "If it wasn't him, it wouldn’t have been anyone," says Harrogate.

The decision to get married is one couples are coming to later, but the decision is still rooted in the desire to publicly declare the joining of two lives and share in that celebration with family. "We wanted to have a public ceremony because we thought that it was a great opportunity to bring our communities together for a really wonderful occasion," says Sakura Saunders. "It was as much about them as it was about us."

Saunders married her partner in Toronto this past summer. As environmentalists and anarchists, the wedding was designed to not only be a celebration of the couple's love, but also of the political beliefs that existed within their relationship.

The wedding took place in a public park with a critical mass bike ride to the wedding dinner that had been postered with radical messages of love and silk screened red anarchy hearts. "Having these highly visible messages made our wedding a demonstration promoting anarchy, which is just as much about dismantling state and corporate power as it is about mutual aid and love," says Saunders. "It was also an opportunity to expose our family to a bit of rebellion and get them to engage with us in these liberating actions."
 

Saunders' wedding is just one example of how couples can challenge the traditional Western white wedding to more accurately reflect the political beliefs upon which a relationship is founded. The idea of giving a bride away, as property, can be a rather alarming thought these days. Religious tradition has created the giving away of the bride to mean the father has cared for his daughter and that responsibility is now transferred to the husband. Some families today see this tradition to mean the bride's family approves of the groom, but its traditional roots, and the exclusion of one parent or the other can cause problems and troubling throwbacks for any feminist. 

"We emphasized quite strongly the ideas of partnership and used words like spouse rather than man and wife," says Harrogate who danced jointly down the aisle with her partner. "Our hands would support each other, clasped in partnership in our life together. No one person would be leading the other."

Kerber and her partner decided to each walk down the aisle with a parent.

"The concept of giving the bride is repulsive to me," says Kerber. "There was no way I was going to do it. At 36 years old I'm no one's property."

But Kerber didn't want to hurt her father’s feelings and so came up with the idea to have her father walk her down the aisle and her partner’s mother walk him. "Equality was a big aspect for our wedding. We wrote the same vows. We were agreeing to the same thing and pledging the same thing," says Kerber.

The way the ceremony and reception look can also reflect the political belief that weddings shouldn’t be consumerist affairs that can cost in the tens of thousands of dollars. Saunders and her partner bought wooden wedding rings instead of buying into the gold and diamond industry that violates human rights, expropriates indigenous lands and causes environmental devastation. And the couple integrated an alternative gift registry where, instead of buying presents, guests could volunteer to help with different aspects of the wedding.

Legally there are very few requirements that need to be included for the marriage to be official. To get married in Alberta, both parties must publicly state: “I do solemnly declare that I do not know of any lawful impediment why I, (name) may not be joined in matrimony to (name); I call upon those persons present to witness that I, (name), do take thee, (name) to be my lawful wedded wife/husband/spouse.” The statement must be made in front of a marriage commissioner—civil or religious—and two witnesses. Of course you must be of legal age, a citizen and not intend to marry your cousin (that's a legal requirement) but outside of those rules, your public declaration of love can look however you'd like, and reflect whatever political beliefs are important to you as a couple.

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